On how human connections that sputter and fail can be mended: Do we blame personality?

Girl groans: "You don't spend enough time with me! And where were you when I needed help with the laundry? AND..."

Guy interjects: "But I just had dinner with you just 3 days ago what?! I also need to meet up with my friends..."

Girl hollers: " Fine! I think our personalities are just too incompatible... Perhaps we should go our separate ways then!"

The aforementioned is not an uncommon scenario between lovers, which begs the question: Why do human connections sputter and fail? Each of us is already born as an exclusive entity, and akin to how no two snowflakes are identical, we inherit our uniqueness from genetics, and then come to possess a set of idiosyncracies whose distinctiveness only diverges further with the increased dyadic and macro-socialisations we experience. Over time, the stable traits and characteristics that form become known as personality.

Even though many a conflict may initially arise from personality clashes, I believe that these can be resolved if, in a moment of mental patience and emotional retreat, we are able to perceive new perspectives and act with wisdom. The resulting paradigm shift, the fruit of a sober mind, can empower us to execute a socially and emotionally intelligent response which can ameliorate or defuse even the worst of interpersonal conflicts.

I recall a time when I was driving to school and I was frustrated with slow-moving drivers who obstructed and hogged the roads. In a mental state of impatience, I seized an opportunity to overtake a slower-moving vehicle, albeit rather abruptly, and made a left turn into a filter lane. Reciprocrating my whimsical act, a female driver, apopletic with rage, bestowed me with an equally gumptious act by tailing my vehicle with her car's highbeam turned on, all the way even as I entered the carpark. I was flabbergasted at her almost belligerent response, which was atypical of my expectations of a woman. Yet, girding up the loins of my mind, I chose to recognise what I have done as a possible threat(even if I felt that the risk was low) to her life, and therefore quashed any remnants of my masculine ego to mentally rehearse an apology.

Upon parking, she proceeded to storm out of her vehicle. Seething with rage, she accosted me and commenced by opening the floodgate of reasons why I should not have done what I did. The words came out fast and furious, and she did not spare a thought as to how she could have contributed in part to this interpersonal conflict...

"Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry... We all make many mistakes, but those who control their tongues can also control themselves in every other way." ~Bible (James 3:2 and 1:19) Communication is often the crux behind any interpersonal conflicts.

My dear readers, in the previous post, I mentioned a fruit for thought-how can we communicate effectively? In light of this interpersonal conflict, I have a few questions I have been pondering for a while:~

How can we...

1) display emotional intelligence in dealing with this conflict?

2) What would be considered as wise and effective communication?

3) Would you just blame personality differences for interpersonal conflicts?

[EDITED]

How Humans Connect with Each Other

Why are Effective Communication Skills Important?

I believe that the deepest physical, emotional, intellectual and social connections with another human(s) can only be achieved through effective communication and therefore, the mastery of the art of communication is a pre-requisite for interpersonal or social effectiveness. It is axiomatic that humans are gregarious creatures and no man thrives on an island. Therefore, it follows that if socialisation is indeed human's fundamental need, then effective communication will represent the tools of this trade! For how else then can humans peer into each other's soul, interact and establish meaningful relationships?

Foremost, communication is ubiquitous, and in the presence of others, we cannot stop communicating. Even the act of sitting silently and maintaining an expressionless visage is a form of communication that may be represented as aloofness, apathy or even misanthropy. In addition, studies have shown that non-verbal communication forms a major part of communication's effectiveness(7% by words, 38% by voice quality and 55% by non-verbal cues). Therefore, it is not only a vital lifeskill, it is also the most commonly needed one in all situations involving people even where actual speech may not be present.

There are numerous benefits to reap from effective communication, and in particular, one of these is in my professional life. As a future teacher, effective communication helps me to arouse academic interest in the most mundane of subjects, and facilitate learning and memory in students and to collaborate pedagogical efforts with my colleagues or superiors.

In my personal life, effective communication is an inter-disciplinary art culminating from social and emotional intelligence, necessary to convey love, trust, empathy and mutual understanding in building intimacy. For example, social psychologists (Altman T., Taylor D. 1973) describe the social penetration theory where effective communication involving appropriate and sequential stages of self-disclosure is required to build relational closeness. And this is best manifested in romantic relationships, whereby effective non-verbal communication is especially critical for its success.

Beyond a doubt, effective communication is of the essence, and it begs the greater question: how do we communicate productively?