Girl groans: "You don't spend enough time with me! And where were you when I needed help with the laundry? AND..."
Guy interjects: "But I just had dinner with you just 3 days ago what?! I also need to meet up with my friends..."
Girl hollers: " Fine! I think our personalities are just too incompatible... Perhaps we should go our separate ways then!"
The aforementioned is not an uncommon scenario between lovers, which begs the question: Why do human connections sputter and fail? Each of us is already born as an exclusive entity, and akin to how no two snowflakes are identical, we inherit our uniqueness from genetics, and then come to possess a set of idiosyncracies whose distinctiveness only diverges further with the increased dyadic and macro-socialisations we experience. Over time, the stable traits and characteristics that form become known as personality.
Even though many a conflict may initially arise from personality clashes, I believe that these can be resolved if, in a moment of mental patience and emotional retreat, we are able to perceive new perspectives and act with wisdom. The resulting paradigm shift, the fruit of a sober mind, can empower us to execute a socially and emotionally intelligent response which can ameliorate or defuse even the worst of interpersonal conflicts.
I recall a time when I was driving to school and I was frustrated with slow-moving drivers who obstructed and hogged the roads. In a mental state of impatience, I seized an opportunity to overtake a slower-moving vehicle, albeit rather abruptly, and made a left turn into a filter lane. Reciprocrating my whimsical act, a female driver, apopletic with rage, bestowed me with an equally gumptious act by tailing my vehicle with her car's highbeam turned on, all the way even as I entered the carpark. I was flabbergasted at her almost belligerent response, which was atypical of my expectations of a woman. Yet, girding up the loins of my mind, I chose to recognise what I have done as a possible threat(even if I felt that the risk was low) to her life, and therefore quashed any remnants of my masculine ego to mentally rehearse an apology.
Upon parking, she proceeded to storm out of her vehicle. Seething with rage, she accosted me and commenced by opening the floodgate of reasons why I should not have done what I did. The words came out fast and furious, and she did not spare a thought as to how she could have contributed in part to this interpersonal conflict...
"Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry... We all make many mistakes, but those who control their tongues can also control themselves in every other way." ~Bible (James 3:2 and 1:19) Communication is often the crux behind any interpersonal conflicts.
My dear readers, in the previous post, I mentioned a fruit for thought-how can we communicate effectively? In light of this interpersonal conflict, I have a few questions I have been pondering for a while:~
How can we...
1) display emotional intelligence in dealing with this conflict?
2) What would be considered as wise and effective communication?
3) Would you just blame personality differences for interpersonal conflicts?
[EDITED]
Dear Brad, regarding the the 7Cs of effective communication, I hope I am now more 'complete' in my writing, and more personal in my post than before, as I highlight an anecdote about my own experience with interpersonal conflict.
ReplyDeleteHi You Sheng,
ReplyDeleteI have not encountered a direct confrontation such as yours before, but in my few years of driving experience, I have seen drivers giving me THE stare, or are just plain inconsiderate i.e. tailing and high-breaming me. In those instance, it takes a huge effort not to swear. I agree that when one is angry, words will come out terse, unreasonable and hurtful. It is good to think before we speak, but anger short circuits this process. Nice use of photos to illustrate your point.
Bravo!
ReplyDeleteThe art of backing off is often overlooked. Diving head on into a conflict, even when empowered with all the justified rights and reasons in the world, may not always resolve the conflict. It is a war, fought not on only on the basis of logic, but of emotion. The latter is the tougher part to tackle, because it is beyond facts and rights. Worse still, it has the uncanny ability to block out logic and sense, which only makes resolution harder.
Sometimes, it is simply better to let the emotions recede. Logic takes the helm eventually, and all will be good as gold, just as in the mentioned incident. =)
The opening on conflicts was interesting; I do look forward to seeing the topic on another post.
Cheers!
P.S. You Sheng, do you happen to live in Bedok and drive to school?
Comment to your comments: =)
ReplyDeleteSteph: You are right, it's really tough somehow to control our feelings on the roads, but doesn't how we behave on the roads a reflection of our true personality and how we really want to act towards others? Afterall, in the vehicle, there's less of an incentive to 'censor' or moderate your own emotional responses.
Weaboon: I absolutely agree with what you said, thank you for shedding light and taking my idea of conflict resolution further.. :)
Regarding your P.S.: Yeah, both facts are correct!
You did great man.
ReplyDeleteYou seek to understand the other party's situation and her motivation and emotion for being so angered. Regardless of how you may have felt at that moment, you acted with the noblest of intention, that is without anger or bitterness, and sincerely apologise.
People always appear to be defensive. It would take a lot to admit mistakes and make amends.
Haha, how many times have drivers cursed silently under their breaths and honked at a slower moving vehicle? How many times have we impatiently overtaken or cut through someone's lane? Drivers who do not adhere to certain road etiquette is likely to face the consternation of others.
ReplyDeleteI fully agree, that the art of backing off (as weeboon mentioned) is an appropriate response in this situation because you recognized that your action could be have triggered the problem. You may be wrong for cutting into her lane, but she was also unfriendly to have high-beamed you all the way. The best thing that you did was...to agree to disagree. Even though you could have blamed her for road-hogging, and that would have escalated the conflict, you stepped-back and said sorry. And yes, I do agree that how we respond on the roads reflects our true patience and colours. Well done, YS :)
Thanks, You Sheng, for this eloquent description of a conflict scenario. You open with an erudite preamble on the nature of personality and conflict then you detail the events of the conflict. The only problem here is that you don't pose a question in a place where the answer can be easily drawn to this specific driving situation. In fact, you tell us exactly how you reacted (so quietly and maturely) rather than allowing us to make our own imagined reaction to the taunts provided by the other driver.
ReplyDeleteD you see what I'm suggesting?
Dear Brad,
ReplyDeleteI've not read your blog requirements carefully enough and did not pose an appropriate question to my readers. Sorry about this! ("Forgive me lah haha" :P) I shall edit my blog post according..
I once read this Chinese story about this guy who got angry at an office worker and went and ranted belligerently at him.
ReplyDeleteThe office worker merely said, "Wow. You do seem a bit agitated today."
The man was agitated even more greatly.
More often than not, in such circumstances, a calm line can serve to anger the person more, but a line with tactfully and wisely planned words can often defuse a tense situation :)
On the other hand, if you're the one in a rage, bear in mind the kind of embarrassment you would spare yourself if you had just backed off, or even calmly explained your point.
In conclusion, I don't think personalities are the problem. True, they do contribute to how we feel, but anyone who follows their feelings too much truly is following an extremely wild rollercoaster. Logic should always govern interpersonal communication.